funny

In our stressed-out, sometimes troubled lives, it’s soothing to chuckle over good humor. When we tire of bad news on the Web or tube, in fact, an uncontrollable belly laugh may even keep us sane.

My sister was kind enough to email me a few good humor one-two liners. Here they are (with a few quick quips from me.)

1. “Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.” Love this one. I usually smile at people like this as I slowly walk backward, smiling.
2. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” This is similar to another funny one about “those who don’t speak appear semi-intelligent, until they open their mouths.”
3. “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.” Good humor is sometimes sarcastic too.
4. “War does not determine who is right – only who is left.” Reminds me of a paper I wrote in college about God rooting for the Germans and Allies at the same time.
5. ” Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” Agreed. It’s like meeting a shoe expert, who meticulously describes the fine leather from Spain, how the heels attach to the bottom of the shoes, but he can’t tie his shoelaces.
6. “Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.” Indeed, if you get off on gore, lost puppies and why unemployment is “even worse” than last month by .1%. Not always “good humor.”
7.  A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. Ha…Ha…!
8. “I didn’t say it was your fault, I just said I was blaming you.” Right, it was the other guy who was wrong.
9. ” A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.” “What! I never said that!”
10.  “Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.”  Can’t argue with that one, but if you don’t believe it, please mail me $10. If enough people do, the misery is all my fault.
11. “I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.” Ditto.
12. “You’re never too old to learn something stupid.” Start with the Web; I find a lot of half-baked truths there every day–and lots of good humor.
13.  “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.” This happens a lot in business and sometimes gets you a raise.
14. “Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.” That’s because our memories are fading faster. “Say, Joe, remember when Sally fell off the dock last Summer?” Joe: “What dock?”
15. “Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” Good one. That’s why I avoid them. All the good stuff costs $1 anyway.
16. ” Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.” This one is for someone with a vivid imagination.
17. “A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.” Hmm…stretch those neurons.
18. “Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.” Except at Amway meetings where they post guards at the door.
19. ‘I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.” Just remembered. I’m out of salt. Where’s that darn shopping list.
20. ‘When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.” Try that one during your next argument with your spouse. Water fights are fun.

Well, courtesy of my sister, who abounds with good humor, 20 sizzlers to memorize for your next party. They used to lock up people who laughed a lot. Now we’re  much more civilized. We put them on TV or YouTube.